This morning, after being woken FAR. TOO. EARLY by the children (there was still a 5 in the hour… I mean, FFS, how do they expect to get anything good from waking me that early?), anyway, back on topic.. This morning, I read a blog post written by someone I know from running club…. I was going to say a running-mate but that would be an almighty stretch as she is WAAAAAYYY too fast for me!
Anyway, her post was unusually downbeat. Not negative. Just not her usual, upbeat post. And as I read I completely got why and could empathise with her. It was like something I’d have written 10 years or so ago. She’s not depressed or unhappy. She has a nice life. But there’s something that just isn’t quite right for her right now. She’s a bit stuck. Her boat isn’t floating.
I have no doubt whatsoever that, having written the post and had feedback from her readership (which is far larger than mine owing to her regular posts and great content as opposed to my random posts on wildly varying topics that are on my mind at any given time!) and acknowledging how she feels, she will – in time – embark on taking whatever action she needs to, to change her situation. Whether those are huge or tiny, short term or permanent… being aware is step one. And she is a lady who takes action.
So what has that to do with me?
I mentioned I’d have written something like it 10 years ago…. and I would as my situation was, in many ways, similar back then.
Now, my situation couldn’t be more different. But, as I read her post, it resonated with the here and now for me too. I have a fairly up and down personality, I know that. But recently, even on the ups, there’s been ‘something’ I couldn’t, and still haven’t, put my finger on it. Just a nagging feeling of… ‘Is this it?’
I feel stuck. But I don’t know what to change or how to do it? Whilst I adore my children, parenting has taken adulting to a WHOLE different level of grown up! One where I am in a permanent state of being busted for being the total fraud that I really think I am. Not mentally, or emotionally, equipped to deal with this level of responsibility – ALL THE TIME!
In conversation with a friend recently I mentioned I felt a bit fed up and she asked why. Below is a snippet of my reply….
Honestly? I really don’t know. I’m really tired which is never good.. putting on weight (my own fault – eating / drinking far too much and not exercising AT ALL)… the usual ‘stuff’ and I just feel stuck in a total rut! Can’t motivate myself to run, gym, swim… if I eat well, I then do a bottle of wine in the evening which is a total waste of calories but, in all honesty, wine is just about the only thing I look forward to at the moment!…
God, that makes me sound a total old soak! ☹
So, in one short paragraph I’d gone from really not knowing what on earth was bugging me, to putting it in black and white that, basically, I’m stuck in a rut.
Apart from sounding like a raging-wino – which I’m not (I’m first to admit I drink more than I probably should but also less than I talk about!), what I realise is that I am yearning for something that just isn’t ‘there’ at the moment.
And I think, that ‘something’ is who I used to be.
Someone more than just what I do for others – as a parent, a partner, a colleague, an employee. Something that makes me feel valued for ME. The person that, once upon a time, didn’t feel utterly exhausted all the time. Who made fun plans not just endless decisions for everyone else on every minutiae of their life… what to eat, what to wear, what hobby kit to put in which bag, what food to buy, what pyjamas to wear… leaving me too ‘decision-ed out’ to actually make any for myself.
This isn’t the first time I’ve explored this on here. Perhaps I’m stuck in some kind of cycle of acceptance and denial! Perhaps I’m waiting to finally feel grown up enough to realise that ‘my’ life no longer exists and never will again.
I know many people have things far worse than me. I would NEVER pretend that’s not the case.
I’m lucky. My kids, husband and family are healthy. I have a flexible job that allows me to meet the needs of my children. I have good friends, a nice home, a decent car. I know all that…. but I live MY life, nobody else’s and knowing I’m lucky doesn’t stop me feeling despite all that, something is missing.
What I really need to work out is how to get unstuck. To find the motivation and enthusiasm to look after myself as much as I look after everyone else. To not care that there are people in my life who feel they have the right to judge me and disapprove of me (yep – you read that right…. it actually bothers me that someone outside my family feels they have the right to disapprove of me… yet I can’t control what anyone else thinks of me.. Maybe I could have just done with them not sharing that snippet of their mind!)..
How do you get unstuck when life gets a bit routine? Is it just part and parcel of modern life? Does Social Media prevent us being happy with our lot in life?
P.S. Since drafting this I have actually had a sizeable shift in mindset so I toyed with not posting this. However, I think it will serve a useful purpose when I explore what I recently experienced that prompted me to take a different mind set!